27 Feb Hello, I see you.

I have some questions. Do I not remember how to dance or am I just caught up in trying to forget memories of toxicity etched in my flesh? Do I not hear the voice of the dance in me or are my ears just ringing with the messages of what I was told to be and do? Do I not know why I dance or am I just still living the process of learning to love something that obedience to whiteness and capitalism took away? Do I not want to make dance or do I just need a break from the exhausting vulnerability that comes with scrutinizing the trained, performing body? 

Moving on, changing, channeling resilience, healing – it doesn’t make any of the past goes away. It is there and it is ongoing and it’s repeating and it’s growing and sometimes I swear I can even hear it laughing at me under its breath. No matter how far I go, it haunts me through the black hole of my shadow. So can you support me in facing the ghost? 

“Hello. I see you. You are real.”

You can trust in what you feel to be true, for what you feel is another way of saying what you know.

I have a theory – perhaps I am expanding because my body is accepting that it does indeed have the capacity to hold it all. I’m making room for every truth I’ve lived and I’m creating space for what’s to come. What a thing to be bigger than I ever imagined I could be. This may not be the preferred body, and it most certainly isn’t the best dance, but it’s what I have, it’s what I’ve been given. I’ll take it.